"You'll shoot your eye out"

I've noticed something very peculiar over the last two months. I am a mom. I know it isn't a surprise to anyone. I mean, we've had close to a year to get used to the idea. But beyond the physicality of "being" a mom, I'm still a mom and there's nothing I can do about it.
When asked recently "what thing has changed the most for you since having Finn?" I actually answered that it was not getting a full nights sleep. How momish is that? It's TRUE though! I, no matter what I do, will NOT be getting a full nights sleep anytime soon! I've heard many a mom claim to only want sleep for birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, even New Years Eve and now I know why, and I hate it. I then came to the realization that the rest of my life would be full of these weighted, trick questions. There is NO way to answer that question without being such a mom. "My life feels complete", "I worry more", "I have a lot of laundry", "Look at that homeless man peeing on that building", and so on and so forth. No matter how sincere you are with your answer, it's been heard a million times the world over. There's absolutely no way to be seen as yourself.

Yourself is a mom.

These are the things that I now officially know:
Why it's so hard to be away from your kids
Why you want to be away from your kids
Sleep deprivation is a great way to torture someone
That you can actually be "up to your elbows in poopy"
How to make small talk about babies to every lady in every store
Partying college students are terrible people
Naps are necessary
Exactly when it's below 68° and above 73° AND why that matters
Why moms seem crazy

In conclusion, I don't hate being a mom, I hate being a mom. Make sense? Even in writing this I'm cementing my new identity. By saying "we" and grouping all women with children together, I'm driving the nail in further. I despise the saying "you'll know when you have kids". I think it's the worst thing any human being can say to another human being. Thinking it is sort of inescapable though, which is beyond maddening. We're not TRYING to be cliché, we're trying to protect, love and guide you. Which, I'm fairly certain, could be considered cliché.
So, the next time you get a new Red Rider BB gun and you're being an idiot with it, don't assume when I say "You'll shoot your eye out" that I'm trying to be cute. I'm really saying "You'll shoot your eye out" because your dumb ass is probably going to shoot your eye out.

Brian Andreas

This is from a painting I bought by a guy named Brian Andreas. We also have 6 of his books. They're really whimsical and inspirational. I highly recommend looking them up. Anyway, the picture is colorful and drawn the way a child would draw but a tad more coherent. There is a large creature sitting on a stool dangling a carrot over a small creature who is reeeeeaaaaaaching out to get it.
"What are the rules? I said & she said, Do exactly what I want whenever I want, make no demands of me whatsoever, & love me forever, no questions asked. & I said, how do you win? & she said, you don't understand. I'm the only one who wins. & then she laughed & clapped her hands. Isn't it a great game? she said."
I find myself reading this over and over again. I've had it for years now so I couldn't even tell you how many times I've read it. It has never once not interested me. Josh thought it fit me to a T when we found it. It may still be true but it's probably not as adorable now that we've been married for a while :)

Never a reasonable group

Yesterday I bought a lottery ticket. Not a scratch off, a bona fide pick your own numbers lottery ticket. I had never bought one before and I wanted to know what it was like. Let me tell you, it's not fun. I felt dirty and ashamed. Though I was only standing at the customer service counter at Family Fare with a lottery ticket in my hand, I felt as though I was creeping around in a back alley looking for "some action". I felt exactly how I think people buying lottery tickets should feel. I was in line with 5 other people who I assumed were looking at me with disgust while they clung to their wallets and their dignity. The truth is, no one in a customer service line is reasonable. Especially at a grocery store. Either the person, the agenda or both are rather embarrassing. Though I felt terrible about myself, the guy in front of me made me feel like a million bucks. He, my friends, happened to be returning an ice cream cake. You heard it here first folks. An ice cream cake. In fact, he was failing at returning an ice cream cake which is much worse. The more the man argued the better I felt. The more twisted the looks on the employees faces were, the happier I became. You know you've become a true elitist when doing something that makes you feel vile can be easily washed away by watching a man with a mullet haggle over day old, soggy, melted dessert. In the end, I didn't win the lottery per se, unless you consider the lesson learned: Don't go to customer service unless there is someone much worse already in line. Words to live by.

Reincarnation

If someone were to ask me right now what I would want to be when I grew up, I would tell them with zero reservations "A ninja. An anime ninja. A boy anime ninja." Since I'm a hopeless adult, I know that this is impossible. Well, I guess there are a few ways this could be achieved, but, it wouldn't really be ME. Besides, I can't draw and I'm not really cool enough to inspire a heart thumping story line. My only option is reincarnation. I don't want to be a writing desk, a kitty cat, a hipster, or even that butterfly that creates all the mischief. I just want to be a bad ass ninja.

"Speedy" checkout

Today I got stuck behind a gentleman in his late 40s early 50s in the self-checkout lane at Family Fare. On a side note: My dad would be disappointed in me for going through the self-checkout lane because I am single-handedly taking food out of the mouth of some unemployed cashier somewhere. Anyway, there I am holding a 36 pack of Always with Wings trying to ignore the celebrity magazines and this man is struggling with the checking out process. Despite the fact that the machine tells you exactly what to do, he takes off his glasses, squints, leans closer to the screen, straightens up, puts his glasses on and continues this sequence several times. To me this seems to be the equivalent of shouting directions to a foreigner. I immediately begin to pout about my misfortune and start looking around at the other lanes searching for an opening. No luck. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, a friendly employee wanders over to assist him in placing his item on the belt. When he finally packs up his groceries, I, in a superior fashion of course, begin scanning my glorious invention. I demonstrate with grace and ease how to speedily use a self-checkout lane. As I am pulling the money from my wallet I happen to glance back at the line forming behind me and realize, to my dismay, that everyone is either burning a hole in my head, bouncing their almost purchases in their arms like an infant or checking their watch! I'm pretty sure one woman changed lanes! I couldn't believe it! You just can't please some people.

You'll get half way there before the craving sets in

I woke up this morning a little groggy. I contemplated hitting the snooze but remembered my pledge to lose 40 lbs. by my birthday in September. Instead of loathing myself for making such a commitment, I decided to get up, eat a small something and do some Ashley approved exercises. Note: Running is the only exercise NOT approved by Ashley.
I was feeling really great. I was feeling the burn and working up a sweat. When my timer told me it was time to get ready for work I was a bit let down even. THEN something happened...I got out of the shower, which is always placed in the same room as a giant mirror for no reason, and I realized that I have almost completely lost my chin. I can kind of see it peeking out of what I can only assume is my neck. It is being swallowed more and more everyday. My lack of jaw line is caused by eating but eating is now the only thing that reminds me that I have a jaw. I'm hoping that this realization will spur me toward my goal ever faster. I fear that my morbid curiosity will spur me toward something a little more roundish. In any case, I have 5 months to settle a craving. A craving to be fit and healthy or a craving for chips and chili dogs. I hope I choose healthy...but I really love chips.

Indecision

Me, unshowered and covered in dirt.
Chris, unshowered and also covered in dirt.
Uninterested young McDonald's employee

Scene: McDonald's in Cadillac

Employee: "What can I get for you"
Me: "Can I have a 5 piece chicken nugget please?"
Employee: "We only have 5 piece chicken selects"
Me: "Well......what's your smallest chicken nugget?"
Employee: "It's 4 pieces"
Me: "Ok..........give me a 10 piece chicken nugget."